I phoned Leitch about coming into New York today for this "ESPN breakfast thing" and was vague about the details and it wasn't until I was in the downstairs Cellar Bar, with its dungeon-y looking chandeliers at the Bryant Park Hotel staring into the gleaming eyes of ESPN's Executive Senior Vice President of Studio and Event Production, Norby Williamson (Norby!), counting his teeth, firmly gripping his hand, that I realized maybe I'd fluttered too close to the damn sun. This was a "press event" to the nth degree, with a roomful of ESPN's top brass and a most of the Monday Night Football crew here to officially "kickoff" the new season: There's Ron Jaworski laughing like a Sesame Street character. There's Tirico looking like a bank owner. There's Cris Carter looking surly and confused. No Kornheiser. This is dangerous, unsettling ground. This is "access."

I should really take more time to read press releases. Or, better, not read them at all.

And it's not for the reason you would think. This was a perfectly suitable "Monday Morning Breakfast" private press junket. It was most likely highly informative for those who needed to know "what the chemistry's like between everyone" or "underrated match-ups on the schedules this year" or "Favre....?" And everyone at ESPN is perfectly nice and sharply dressed and ready to getcha "anything you need" at a moment's notice. This wasn't what I was expecting, though. Really. I thought it would be more of an a carnival-like "public" atmosphere with plenty of New York's Midtown drones milling around and asking for autographs, their only hope for an eventful Tuesday hinging upon whether or not they got to shake hands with Jaws or walk away with a Tony Kornheiser mousepad. Unh-unh. This was work. A job for most people in that room. There's the Associated Press. There's the Wall Street Journal. The New York Post. Neil Best from Newsday. And then there was me, with a name tag splatted to a shitty Gap sports jacket that was a crumbled mess in the bottom of my closet just two hours before my train left Philadelphia at 6:37 a.m.

"A.J. Daulerio: Deadspin."

And, no, Deadspin wasn't the only blog invited. Pro Football Talk got one. Fanhouse. The Big Lead. Probably more. None of them showed, though.

Perhaps it could be perceived as a calculated maneuver by ESPN to begin actively courting relationships with these once undesirables — for "protection" from salacious commentary or damning critique of their product — but it's nothing that slippery. No, now, with sports blogs generating enough eyeballs to be their own army of "needle movers" it's just...good business.
*****

So, I'm standing there face to face with Norby(!), smiling, listening to him praise Deadspin and how its practically "mainstream" right now and "a lot less salacious" than it used to be and thanking him and wondering how on earth this has happened and how Will would probably (weakly) punch me in the face right now for just standing there like a sweaty fool taking this all in. But I was captivated; I gazed into those bulbous Norby eyes — which oddly do resemble a pair of exclamation points — and his gleaming teeth and his expensive-looking haircut and I'm slowly remembering back to the infamous memo...the bike rack...keep the trees....

"Hey, I believe in transparency," he said. " I understand people think it's funny but I think employees like to be kept up to date on things that are going on..." or something like that.

Then Norby invited me to Bristol.

"You should come see the offices!"

In person Norby seemed like one of those guys who grew up entirely cloistered off from normal people, yet had a childhood that was incredibly privileged. Like his 10-year-old birthday party probably had fireworks and a cake that played music and giraffes running around the lawn and shit. Or he could be an orphan for all I know. An orphan raised by Great Gatsby impersonators.

*****

Cris Carter has been escorted over to me. Cris meet A.J. (from Deadspin!). And Cris stood there, sizing me up, ready to answer the standard MNF fluff, but I just stood there blabbering and asking him odd, Philadelphia Eagle-related questions that he didn't seem too into answering, like, "So, what was it like playing in the Fog Bowl?" Answer: "Really foggy."

It was like an awkward first date as I sat there rambling about Randall Cunningham and what he thought was the best Buddy Ryan team and Cris stood looking around the room trying to get help or talk to someone who would ask him the important questions about "joining the Monday Night Crew" and all that.

"I only played in Philly three years, man." (On drugs, ahem).

He seemed tense, though, like he was waiting for me to spray him with a water pistol or fart on his leg. First ballot Hall of Famer!

And then there's Jaws, who is car salesman-nice to everybody and spends a lot of time laughing and talking about footballfootballfootball! like a man who's suffered some sort of seizure. He's really happy about the "(Fightin') Philadelphia Soul, though. Ask him about that and it's like asking if you could see pictures of his grandchildren.

Last two minutes of that championship game? Intense. Then Jaws proceeded to "fucking" and "holy shit!" (under his breath, though) his way through the anecdote of what it was like waiting for those final seconds to tick off the clock...Philly Curse...not wearing the hat in the tunnel... Bon Jovi. ...Good guy..Charitable.... Rich. Fun to be around.... Bought a very big championship ring.

Got it.

******

At this point, a man with a suit grabs a microphone on the top of the small staircase, encouraging the 40 or so collected in the room to huddle close and listen to Norby (Norby!) take the microphone. He does. He's excited. He can't wait for the Monday Night Football season to start....dumb luck about getting the Jets against the Chargers so early...there's an "unpredictability" to the NFL....

And then my phone rings. Loud. In the middle of this small ESPN press conference being held on the top of a tiny staircase my cellphone is blaring "The Trooper" at a volume slightly higher than Norby's corporate rally cry. I finally get the thing to click off only a short time after he finished. I apologize to those in attendance who didn't get the last minute of the speech. Last thing I got was something about the NFL being "unpredictable."

Then Tirico gets up to the microphone. He's smooth. He's a Toastmaster General. He hits all his spots and engages the audience with his enthusiasm and humility about being part of such a cultural icon like Monday Night Football. He's like everyone else....and is that what you had playing on your cellphone?

Huh?

"Was your ringtone the Monday Night Football theme?"

Oh. He's asking me. Right now. In front of the ESPN elite and the assembled press.

"Sorry. It was Iron Maiden actually."

Laughter. (Blogger...)

After the speeches, I was introduced to Mike Tirico who apologized for signaling me out. I apologized for being "unprofessional". He's a disarmingly genuine guy who went out of his way to compliment blogs and Deadspin.

"That's our audience," he said.

Somebody's read "God Save The Fan", I thought. He has that good-guy handshake and I believe I even returned his handshake with the equally political shake-plus-forearm grab.

Good guy, that Mike Tirico, I thought again.

I left before the George Bodenheimer session. It was because I both had to and wanted to leave at that point. I felt like I'd just did something wrong, like I'd accidentally pushed a button that made part of Deadspin disintegrate into ash. I don't know why. I've been to press conferences before for this site and for various other publications, but I found this one both fascinating and troubling at the same time. Is the access we so desperately never, ever sought being offered now? And did I just fuck up by leaving too early or staying too long?

Don't know yet. But the croissants, like Tirico, were genuinely good.

Do you own any pets, and if so what do you have?
i got a fuck lion now come fuck wit me

Who do you admire most?
My mom CARLA, dat bitch da shit, i love her i think she da realest bitch alive

When do you plan on getting married?
it dont matta cuz i hope my wife know ima be playa 4 life

Sadly, Slocum is no longer a member of the Michigan Wolverines, which means this might be the one honor left that he has a chance at earning. It might be all he has.

But yeah, still: I'm totally getting that fuck lion.

But is he a Hall of Famer? Seventy five percent is the threshold for induction. Vote below: Polls will be open until next Monday afternoon. Vote like the wind.

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Lest we forget, by the way, that back before the photos, Leinart actually had sex with Paris Hilton. That's about a million times worse than a beer bong and some coeds. But hey: He loves puppies.

And remember: The Buzzsaw have been asking Leinart to cool it for a while now. I see no reason he can't continue down both paths; insane alcohol exploits AND a Super Bowl title. He'd make a better Joe Namath than that other guy.

But is he a Hall of Famer? Seventy five percent is the threshold for induction. Vote below: Polls will be open until next Monday afternoon. Vote like the wind.

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

Each weekday morning Awful Announcing, video slash and grab extraordinaire of the sports blogosphere, gives us a visual rundown of everything you missed from the night before. If there's something sports-related you'd like to see with your coffee, shoot him an e-mail and let him know.

Perhaps it's both fitting and fateful that this announcement comes while Deadspin is in the middle of Hall of Fame nominations. Orton was an inaugural member of the esteemed Hall of Fame class of 2006. God is with him.

Monday is dead and gone. More nominees tomorrow plus two more NFL season previews, college previews, and assorted cultural ephemera from this thing they call "sports."

A.C. was good. Thank you for asking.

And, of course, thank you for your continued support of Deadspin.

Quarterback derby is over for now as Orton edges Rex for starting spot [Chicago Sun-Times]

So much to choose from, Isiah-wise, though I'll always be partial to "Isiah Thomas' Knicks Legacy, Summed Up In One Possession." So great:

And that doesn't even take that sexual harassment case, Stephon Marbury's mystery dirt and, of course, "Sunt." There's just so much to choose from. I still miss him, even if he's not really gone.

But is he a Hall of Famer? Seventy five percent is the threshold for induction. Vote below: Polls will be open until next Monday afternoon.

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

Mr. Iracane, co-proprietor of the brilliant Walkoff Walk , is also the guy who approves comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column, about that odd little "disemvoweling" feature.

Ever since I've been empowered with the ability to execute commenters, I've noticed that this power is both a blessing and a curse. Yes, I can get rid of some of the unfunny individuals who seek to wreak havoc on Deadspin's best posts with their inane dullness and I can banish the hyper-offensive jerkoffs to the land of Supermikes, but what to do with your typical Deadspin commenter who makes a single misstep with a rude comment? We wouldn't want someone with an otherwise excellent commenting history to be banned right away because he or she made one idiotic comment, would we?

Luckily, I've been blessed with a new power, not unlike the time Rafael Palmeiro realized he could hit a baseball 25 feet further if he injected horse steroids into his trasero. It's called "disemvoweling" and it’s a gift from the good people at the Gawker Media Technical and Cosmetology Institute. By simply clicking a little button, I will be able to remove all of the vowels from any offending comment, rendering it nearly unreadable and slightly less distasteful. Look, I disemvoweled one of my own comments (for demonstrative purposes only…I never make distasteful comments).

So what should you do if one of your comments gets disemvoweled? Simple: get back on the funny train and don’t be a jackass anymore. I’ll disemvowel only the worst ill-mannered comments as a warning shot but I will ban the person who continues to offend our sensibilities after the first disemvoweling.

These commenters, however, piss excellence with their bon mots and have made the Comments of the Fortnight:

Re: Vikings Punter Chris Kluwe’s Guitar Hero Skills

Doyle McPoyle: "That's nothing, you should see Kevin Everett on Dance Dance Revolution."

Re: The Olympic Rings Shaved Into Dirk Nowitzki’s Noggin

Angry Honky: "Everybody's got this all wrong. It isn't a haircut at all. For the past 7 years, Dirk has been used as a nightstand by the Spurs and they put their championship rings on his head when they go to bed. They've been doing it for so long that the rings have worn impressions in his scalp.And yes, I realize that means all the Spurs sleep in the same bed. That was Ginobili's idea."

Re: Sean Salisbury Taking a Back Seat to Emmitt Smith

ChilledoutEntertainer: Finally someone who can feel my pain. I've been workin the night shift for 3 years now at the Omaha NB Wendy's , and in comes Eric Crouch, and OF COURSE he gets the prime daytime shifts. its so unfair, and all because of his name.

And to satisfy your bloodthirst, here are your bi-weekly executions:

Say Goodbye To: superHookie

Why: Having the gall to post links to trite websites

Say Goodbye To: BallsStateExplorer

Why: Making a hack comment that expresses distaste at fantasy football on a post about fantasy football

Say Goodbye To: DaOtter

Why: Pointing out that the information Rick shared with us in a remaindered link had already been discussed three times by commenters earlier in the day. SORRY YOU DIDN’T GET PROPERLY CITED, DAOTTER.

On Saturday and Sunday, the IOC and the Beijing Organizing Committee cancelled their once-daily joint press conference with foreign and local media. This rather flippant decision (relayed to reporters via text message) comes after days of increasingly tense briefings between IOC & BOCOG officials and foreign reporters, who keep on pestering them about protests, human rights, restrictions on journalists, tween gymnasts and China’s general disregard of the promises it made to be awarded the Olympics. During Thursday’s meeting, a series of heated, often sarcastic exchanges left BOCOG Vice President Wang Wei noticeably flustered and defensive.

There are even rumors of a slap fight. Our go-to source for Olympic Press Conference gossip, Ireland’s Sunday Business Post, gives an account of the uncomfortable showdown:

One journalist questioned Wang about the detention of protesters. Another demanded to know why reporters were being harassed. A third accused the Chinese authorities of ‘‘lying through their teeth’’ and grilled a representative of the International Olympic Committee (IOC) about whether she was ashamed to be working with Wang and his colleagues, as volunteers attempted to wrest back the microphone.

Eventually, Wang lost patience. ‘‘There are a few people who have come here to peek, to be critical, to dig into the small details and find fault,” he said, a look of exasperation on his face. ‘‘You are supposed to be in China covering the games.”

Wang added:

‘‘China has stepped forward, the ordinary Chinese in the street will give the same answer. Do not underestimate the wisdom of the Chinese people,” he said to the hectoring foreign reporters as the press conference drew to an embarrassing close. ‘‘Do not think that you are smartest.’’

The cancellation of consecutive press briefings at the Olympics might not seem too newsworthy, that is, if newsworthy events weren’t happening every few minutes in this town. Over the weekend—but before China’s Liu Xiang withdrew from his race on Monday—Michael Phelps won his 8th Olympic Gold, Greek runner Fani Halkia failed a doping test in Japan and the IOC stripped Swedish Greco-Roman wrestler Ara Abrahamian’s Bronze medal – the same one he stripped from himself on Friday – and formally expelled him from the Olympic Village. Maybe journalists have questions about these stories?

It’s not terribly surprising that the public faces of the IOC & BOCOG don’t want to be continually embarrassed by hoards of screaming foreign correspondents. Don’t get us wrong; we support journalists pressing officials on touchy subjects. That’s their job and, when done well, it can be quite effective in influencing social change. The mere fact that these questions are being asked within China represents progress. That said, in the past week and a half a few protests were staged that, in our increasingly less humble opinion, did little to advance any causes.

Since the Olympics began we’ve seen our share of protests in Beijing… on the Internet. The Bureau has yet to bear first-hand witness of a protest here – those “protest parks” we mentioned in an earlier post are conspicuously empty – but we don’t seem to be missing out on much.

Take this protest on August 9: Five members from Students for a Free Tibet staged a “die-in” in Tiananmen Square in which three foreigners laid on the ground with Tibetan flags draped over them and played dead. A guy shouting chants for Tibetan freedom – in English – led them. Here’s an excerpt from a transcript of the protest:

With the world’s attention on China, we ask that you please, please free Tibet, that the time is now for a free Tibet, that with the world’s attention on China, that we speak out. And as people of conscience, we’ve traveled here to do so today.

The protesters drew a bit of attention, but seemed to confuse and annoy surrounding Chinese tourists, busy taking in the most iconic site of their homeland’s iconic city.

At another demonstration on August 13, John Ray, a British reporter from ITN (the British AP, sort of), was detained while trying to cover the story. As the police van drove away from the scene with Ray and all of the captured protesters aboard, the unlucky journalist hung his Olympic press pass outside the window, providing the kind of image to onlookers that we suspect the activists wanted in the first place: one that portrayed the Chinese government as the evil, freedom-hating Empire.

Regardless of whatever their aims were, we believe the only changes these demonstrators brought about were their own deportation and inability to ever return to China, which, all in all, is a pretty cool place.

It’s not their message that we’re critical of; it’s their means of expressing their message. No, we haven’t gone commie; we support the right to protest so please go on ahead and protest away if your heart desires.

However, in a country of 1.3 billion people – mostly proud citizens who are quite sensitive to and suspicious of outside criticism – can a small group of foreigners using nothing but awkward confrontation and vague, idealistic arguments be that productive?

Moreover, news of these protests will not be disseminated on Chinese airwaves, so spreading their message within China isn’t feasible. Western viewers and savvy Chinese netizens will find the stories but these groups are presumably already hip to the situation in Tibet. Perhaps more importantly, these activists distract people from the far more compelling stories that have taken place recently – stories with Chinese citizens at the center of them. However inefficient, protests staged by Chinese citizens are poignant because of the desperation they convey, especially given the certainty of repercussions from the state.

A Wall Street Journal video follows a patriotic Chinese youth who is touring Beijing during the Olympics when he comes across a fellow citizen throwing sheets of paper in the air. Though it’s unknown what this man is protesting, his desperation is clear. Police officers enter the scene and take the man away as the patriotic subject dismisses the man as a wrong doer.

Similarly, the New York Times looked into the stories behind those who attempted to apply for permits in order to demonstrate in what were supposed to be free protest zones during the Olympics. In a cruel turn of fate it turns out that one of our earlier, half-joking predictions were, according to this article, correct. No one has been granted permission to protest in any of the three protest zones, which may well have been set up as a cruel bait-and-catch tactic. One woman applied for protesting privileges and has since been taken away by police. Another man traveled to Beijing in August with bitter persistence and little hope (“I don’t care if I die,” he is reported as saying), only to have his pleas neglected and his life feared for. The local dissenters of these stories don’t go out with a bang – like a rebellious deportation – but with a whimper.

The truth is, embattled press secretary Wang Wei is right: China has come a long, long way. And it has a long way left to go. We hate the cliché, but the Olympics are pretty damn symbolic of China’s arrival on the world stage. And by putting the country under an international microscope – not subjecting it to foreigners’ objections – the Games should also hasten China’s social progress. 20 years ago people weren’t allowed to move to a new town, or pick their own job. Now they can organize a protest on Twitter to stop a toxic factory from being built.

China knew what it was getting into when it begrudgingly invited 20,000 journalists to cover the Olympics and allowed many more potential bloggers and loudmouths (like us!) to come hang out for a month this August. In a way we feel bad for Wang Wei, whose job it is to defend policies he has no say in shaping.

We don’t doubt that the deported demonstrators are sincere in their desire for the improvement of human rights in Tibet; they are probably nice people. But the way they decided to act smacks of narcissism. The problem is, people may confuse this confrontational approach with a direct way of addressing the issue of Tibetan independence, but when laid bare it’s just an attempt to make a sensationalist news peg. Spending three grand – less than the average Tibetan makes in a year – on airfare to come to Tiananmen Square and have water bottles thrown at them by Chinese citizens – who are very proud to have the Olympics, by the way – is insulting to the thousands of dissidents who put their lives on the line for noble causes. The brave kids in Tiananmen were sent home to their developed countries with a cool story: “I took on the Chinese government, man!” The people who actually take on the Chinese government and whose lives are affected by it, well, they often go to jail…

In the next post from the Deadspin Beijing Bureau: The Bureau attempts to stage a protest protesting the protest application process.

The Deadspin Beijing Bureau can be reached at deadspin.china@gmail.com

The above picture didn't actually come out until a week-and-a-half after the Mike-and-Mike roast — I will never, ever tire of Trey Wingo's reaction there — which was long after we knew about "Fuck Touchdown Jesus." She was suspended by ESPN for a week, but that didn't stop protests from the Catholic League. (Remember: If the Catholic League and that dope Bill Donohue are angry with you, you're doing something right.)

I still think the picture, though, is what cinched Dana's nomination for the Deadspin Hall of Fame. I mean, can't you imagine how that plaque would look?

But is she a Hall of Famer? Seventy five percent is the threshold for induction. Vote below: Polls will be open until next Monday afternoon.

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

Each weekday morning Awful Announcing, video slash and grab extraordinaire of the sports blogosphere, gives us a visual rundown of everything you missed from the night before. If there's something sports-related you'd like to see with your coffee, shoot him an e-mail and let him know.

* * *

Okay, so nobody saw that. But the fly buzzing around this hotel room sure did enjoy the puns and observations.

Bottom 9th

2 1

10:55 — And ... three pitch strikeout. That didn't take too long. You know how a soccer team will win 2-1 and they'll say the winning team dominated, even though they only won by a single goal? This is kind of how this game felt. Philadelphia was always in control.

10:53 — A two-out walk by someone named Brian Myrow, and Sean Kazmar is pinch running. I learned two new words today.

10:52 — AH, DAMMIT. Miller slips with a "slide piece."

10:50 — Joe Morgan has a little consecutive streak of saying "slider." Redemption. Strike three on an unchecked swing. I like how the side-view camera, they claim, is the view the first base umpire has. If that's the case, how come the camera isn't on the umpire, or the umpire would obstruct the camera's view? Two out.

10:49 — Woof. Strike three without swinging. That's the least fun kind of strike three!

10:47 — There you are, Brad Lidge. You are in a Sri Lankan immigrant boat. You have zero wiggle room. Enjoy!

Top 9th

2 1

10:44 — Eric Bruntlett pinches the hit for Cole Hamels. His at bat is effective as Hamels batting, as the fielders choice ends the inning, giving Brad Lidge just the one widdle run to work with in the bottom half of the inning.

10:41 — Joe Morgan pines for Little League. If he wants that, he could just watch any of the Tigers games from here on out.

10:38 — Falkenborg, which I believe is some kind of German android, continues to hurl to the Philbins.

2 1

10:34 — And another fly ball to center, which does zero damage. Hamels is through eight.

10:32 — The second out comes courtesy of Kevin Kouzmanoff. Gesundheit.

Hamels is still in there. A great night so far, even if — given the competition — these numbers will technically go under his PCL stats.

Top 8th

10:25 — There's another game Monday night on ESPN — the Brewers and Astros. That sounds 15 percent better than this one. I wonder if the ESPN telecast will not air for the first three hours, then at some arbitrary point in the future, all the pictures and sounds will finally simultaneously air, thereby blowing the minds of everyone watching.

10:22 — Lefty-cine Wilfredo walks Utley but opposite-of-walks Ryan Howard. Going by the book on the left-on-left violence matchups, manager Bud Black yanks him in lieu of Brian Falkenborg.

Ledezma stands in. He is not crafty. Do not mark that.

Bottom 7th

2 1

10:18 — Ah, a double play. That'll kill the rally.

10:15 — Jody Gerut still plays baseball and nobody told me? When does Bill Selby start getting pinch hit opportunities too?

10:13 — Joe Morgan loves how the statue of Tony Gwynn was an exact replica of Tony Gwynn's batting stance. That was quite clever of the sculptor not to just start molding clay by memory. Or by not using a Nigel Tufnel napkin-sketched rendition.

10:12 — You can put a fistful of chips on the Tony Gwynn space by now. If they spill onto other squares, all the better.

Seventh Inning Stretch Entertainment

You've probably seen this before, which means you can brace for the sudden impact of nausea:

Top 7th

2 1

10:08 — Werth-less! Haha! GET IT!? He strikes out looking.

10:07 — Wilfredo Ledezma is warming up in the bullpen, which is something I highly recommend ordering if you ever go to Olive Garden.

10:05 — He quickly corrected himself, but Jon Miller called catcher Luke Carlin "Larkin." And yet it's still more poignant than Joe Morgan's "you're in a situation where you have to score some runs." Well, this is the middle of a baseball game, so I would agree.

10:02 — That's all for Baek. Quite a nice evening for him, actually, going six innings and allowing two. The SaBasementricians call that a quality start. In comes Get Smart's Mike Adams.

I don't know what it is about cell phone commercials that triples my age and raises my belt to navel level. How do I hate something so much when I actually have no quarrels with the one I own?

Bottom 6th

2 1

9:58 — Actually that's all they'll get and like it.

9:56 — With dudes on first and second, Chase Headley (Minus World Utley) singles over Rollins glove, and there's a run for the Parental Guardians.

9:54 — Joe Morgan doesn't know who to root for in the Cal-Stanford game, since he has family ties to both. I gotta say, I don't think he'd know which one to pick even if he had zero emotional ties in the game.

9:52 — Jon Miller slightly bashes Stanford, where Joe's daughter is going.

9:50 — I have to say, this game hasn't been bad to date. Looks like it'll get over by 11, allowing me to watch the replay of Saget's roast. (Spoiler: I hear Jeffrey Ross is going to tell us who he wouldn't fuck using someone else's dick.)

Top 6th

2 0

9:48 — Joe Morgan stops staying "slide piece," and the inning ends.

9:43:30 — STOP SAYING "SLIDE PIECE" OVER THERE.

9:43 — Burrell doubles the lead. By himself! What a feat.

9:40 — Ryan Howard has the most home runs, RBIs, and strikeouts since 2006 than anyone else. I like how strikeouts are counted as bad things, but weak groundballs and pop flies are hardly mentioned on the back of a baseball card.

Bottom 5th

9:38 — Glad that inning's over. T'was a silly one.

9:34 — Luke Carlin is up to bat. I didn't have "Jon Miller says 'Luke Feel The Force' " on my bingo sheet. I probably should have.

9:32 — They gave me the one room in the hotel where the TV will, after an hour of untouched viewing, will "blink" every five seconds, and if I don't change the volume or channel, will turn off on its own. The reason, legend has it, is this TV is possessed by the ghosts of unborn fetuses.

So, a practical question. How come Cha Seung Baek is pitching effectively?

Top 5th

1 0

9:29 — Utley doesn't touch the changeup at all. Then again, it touched the ground, and there's no 5-millisecond rule in San Diego. You don't know where that dirt has been.

9:26 — Baek's wild pitch, or "crazy piece," enables Werth to scoot up into scoring position. (Oh, Werth was on first, by the way. I'm not really worrying about the specifics here.)

9:23 — Gaaaaah. Fuckin' "slide piece." I don't know what the hell that is. MARK IT DOWN WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT. Joe Morgan says that's the official term. It's actually not. He now has Jon Miller speaking it. Or Jon Miller is speaking in tongues. I don't know which, but you will have blood plasma to pay for this, Morgan.

9:23 — A quick promo on tomorrow's Little League games. One of them is "Guam vs. Mexico." Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Guam not a foreign country or territory?

9:21 — Cole Hamels gets out with little pain, proving he would probably make a poor AL pitcher.

9:19 — There's Only One October™. The other thing you thought was October is actually March.

Bottom 4th

1 0

9:18 — Now Edgar Gonzalez bats. Oh, my God, could he drive in his brother? (Answer: newp.)

9:16 — Adrian Gonzalez gets hit on his body. That's one free base.

9:15 — Kevin Kouzmanoff hits a deep fly to left-center, where the fence extends ever far. Just another warning track out.

9:13 — While ESPN sits down with Hamels on how he developed his changeup, let's get down to the real scouting report:

Name: Cole Hamels
Born: December 27, 1983
Throws: Left
Bats: Left
What Two Wrongs Make: Right
WHIP: 1.07
HANDCUFFS: N/A (wife not into that)
Gets Batters Out When: Curveball dips down below knees
Doesn't Get Batters Out When: Curveball dips down below left field scoreboard

Top 4th

1 0

9:11 — They're going to keep saying that Edgar Gonzalez and Alex Gonzalez are brothers, every time they throw from second to first, aren't they? Although maybe it's good they do that, because otherwise people are just going to assume that the baseball world is frought with Gonzalezeses.

9:09 — Melky Cabrera and Richie Sexson were demoted and released, respectively, for the Yankees. That's teetering ever close to the "are they done or not" square. One more outburst like that, and it's so covered with a red dot.

9:08 — I looked it up. The active leader is Matt Stairs. I retract the previous statement.

9:05 — Pat Burrell has the second most career home runs of any active player not to make the All-Star game. They say that's preposterous. You know what's more preposterous? The guy with the first most home runs of any career player not to make the All-Star game.

Bottom 3rd

1 0

9:03 — American League pitchers are also great at futilely legging out Brian Giles' inning-ending groundouts. They just don't get the chance.

9:01 — A bigger turn-on than pitchers hitting? Pitchers trying to steal. Baek wasn't being held, and the jump was restaurant quality.

8:58 — Joe Morgan is pretty sure all AL pitchers are good hitters. A backhanded compliment at the American League, telling them to get rid of the DH. (Hey, the Reds didn't need it.)

8:58 — Baek fends off a pitch the other way between Howard and the first baseman for a hit. Commotion! Helping his own cause!

8:56 — Ah, what a time for the hotel wi-fi to force me to renew my 24-hour voucher and restart my laptop. Maybe it's a sign.

8:55 — Maurice Jones-Drew loves his Madden games. If I were paid to do a commercial for it, I would too.

Top 3rd

8:52 — Ryan Howard strikes out to finish off that inning. How many times have we said that?

8:50 — Right field is what Joe Morgan says Tony Perez called "big man territory." Anecdotal enough? Sure. Mark it.

8:47 — Brian Giles can't get to that foul ball short of the foul pole, and as a result barrels into the padded door. Proving he wasn't raised in a barn, Giles kindly tries to close the door.

8:43 — So, they're still on the "This Is Our Country" TV spots, aren't they? When do they get Christina Aguilera to lip-synch to it?

Bottom 2nd

1 0

8:42 — Inning over. They got bored with it, probably.

8:40 — There's a 90-year-old man in Baltimore who watches SNB every week, but Jon Miller points out that because he's getting older, he doesn't always stay up for the entire game. Morgan replied with something about the East Coast/West Coast. I really hope he wasn't implying that because this game is played on the West Coast, he can stay up for it.

8:39 — The one thing I will trust Analyst Joe Morgan on is how to turn a double play. Not in 2008, though.

8:38 — Chase Headley and Chase Utley. Which one's the evil twin? Headley flies out to left.

8:35 — OK, commercials for "back to school" cell phones just irritates the problem further. I am a big-time advocate for corporal punishment on those who can't silence their cell phones during classes.

1 0

8:33 — See, this is why you listen to the scouting reports. Quickly Baek finishes his 2nd inning of work.

8:31 — With one quick out, Let's take a look at the scouting report on the Padres' hurler:

Name: Cha Seung Baek
Born: May 29, 1980, Pusan, South Korea
Throws: Right
Bats: Right
Scratches: Left
Years in MLB: 3
Memorable years in MLB: 0
Pitches: Fastball, curveball, change-up, slider
Snitches: When he was 10, told his teacher that the kid behind him was an international arms dealer
How To Approach Baek: He doesn't have a strong out pitch and doesn't always go deep in a game, so be patient
How To Approach Baek If You're Jon Miller: As an over-enunciating Hispanic announcer trying to over-enunciate a Korean name

Bottom 1st

1 0

8:28 — Wait ... what happened? That was it? Did Hamels throw three baseballs, all of them strikes? Because I thought you could only do that in Baseball Simulator 1.000.

8:27 — Working quick, Hamels already has two out.

Top 1st

1 0

8:23 — Shane Victorino, he grounds out. Just the one run for now, thankyouverymuch.

8:21 — After walking Ryan Howard, Baek gives Pat Burrell the gift of first base, which might be the gift that keeps on giving this inning. Another tree visits the mound to speak with Baek.

8:19 — A ray of sunlight peeks through the clouds onto Baek and his uniform. He's been spotted.

I'd have loved to have seen the Phillies come out wearing bright orange vests.

8:16 — Joe Morgan appears visibly distracted. Probably didn't finish his Bejeweled game in time.

8:13 — Jayson Werth sacks the fly and Rollins tags up. Nine runs to Saget.

8:12 — Jimmy Rollins is already at third base. Slow down, tiger.

8:09 — Interesting move by the Padres. They're wearing these:

Apparently they have decided to try and blend in with the field, in hopes the Phillies think they're actually playing in a slightly decimated forest, will give up, and San Diego will win by forfeit.

8:05 — Something about this Yellow Pages commercial bugs me. So the girl wants to remove the tramp stamp with her ex-boyfriend's name. How did she get a new fiancé with that tattoo there the entire time? Maybe she just kept it missionary style while living in sin. Or maybe in the future men aren't allowed to object to their girlfriends' ink.

8:00 — Wow. "Tony Gwynn" in the first sentence of the telecast. Jon Miller has seen the bingo card and is coming out swingin' tonight.

Pregame Babble

It's probably too late to take the cameras and crew down to Texas for the Rays-Rangers game, isn't it?

Because exactly one group of people cares about this one: Phillies fans. The Padres faithful are probably too busy trying to rig their fantasy draft order so they can nab LaDainian Tomlinson. Then there's me. I haven't done a Jon Miller-Joe Morgan Joint yet, and there's not much time left in the year.

Now, this one has the potential to get ugly. Cole Hamels has pitched well — the run support just hasn't been there for him. The Padres' starter, Cha Seung Baek, has an ERA on the wrong side of five. If Howard-Utley-Burrell-whoever-else-they-have wake up (much like my college roommate did, hungover and next to Cha Seung Baek), this one might turn into a 12-2 rout or something like that. So at least there's something to look forward to. If this game gets into a double-digit laugher, I might start live blogging the Bob Saget roast.

And if it goes 15, I have the noose tied up and ready to go. Now for the bingo-age:

By the way, DUAN is the official sanctuary of off-topic discussions. If you want to talk there, go right ahead. Or chat here. It basically comes down to who you respect more: Zerkle or myself.

Aaron Piersol and Brendan Hansen swam the backstroke and breaststroke respectively in the race's first two legs to help Phelps earn his 14th gold medal at just 23 years of age. Phelps has concluded his run in the Beijing as the most decorated athlete in Olympic history, now all that's left to determine is where he ranks amongst the greatest athletes in the world.

Of course Shanoff is ready to declare Phelps the GREATEST.HUMAN.EVER., but ESPN will probably want to make things official with one of their ultra-scientific bracket competitions (seriously, who does that?). I assume the Sklar brothers are already hard at work with some assistance from Joe Lunardi, Nick Bakay, and the cast of Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Sure, Phelps has conquered the swimming world, but only time will tell whether or not he can defeat Lance Armstrong, Secretariat, and Jim Thorpe. God bless you, Disney.

Photo Credit: Getty Images via Yahoo! Sports

The Bangkok Post has an exposé (hehe, bang cock) on the practices the Chinese used to whittle down the applicants to the 200 girls that would lead each participating nation into the stadium during the Opening Ceremonies.

The Beijing News, in a story detailing the latest opening-ceremony outrage, said stripping naked for measurements was a requirement merely to apply for the position.

In an interview with one of the girls who competed for the high profile job, the 20-year-old college student Zhang Fan told the paper that the girls were put in a room and teachers measured them with a ruler.

No specifics were given but the measurements were called "bone measurements" which typically include measuring the width of shoulders and waists, length of waists and height.

I got your bone measurement right here. One pant full. But, oh, yeah, this is just horrible how the Chinese are demeaning their women. I'm so relieved that there's nothing like this going on in America.

Opening Ceremony: The Naked Truth [Bangkok Post]

Expectations

The Stormin’ Mormons are hoping to become the latest non-Big 6 conference team to kick in the front door at the BCS bonanza. They have hope because there was little turnover from last year’s team that went 11-2 (8-0) and won the Mountain West conference. Junior quarterback Max Hall is seeking to build on his very successful sophomore season and lead Cougars to the BCS. Every year the media seems to crown one smaller conference school as their darling for the season. This year it's BYU. So watch out Clemson, Texas Tech, Penn State, etc. after you supposed big boys fail to win your conference BYU wants one of your at-large spots.

Know that Cougar

Most devout college football fans know Max Hall, but what about the rest of the team… Harvey Unga and Fui Vakapuna are the one-two punch at running back that will give the offense needed balance. At no point will any television announcer correctly pronounce these two men's names. Unga had a nice 1,200 yard 13 touchdown 2007 season while Fui is trying to stay healthy and look like the beast he was in 2006. The offensive line is anchored by senior tackle Dallas Reynolds and they should be a solid unit.

The defensive line is led by the best overall talent on the team DE Jan Jorgensen. Jorgensen had 19 sacks last year and needs only 1.5 more to become MWC’s all time leader. However, the early success of BYU will depend on how
long it takes talented but inexperienced corners Scott Johnson and Brandon Howard to play well. BYU is going to need them on top of their game on September 13 when UCLA comes to town.

BYU Wouldn’t Piss on Utah if they were on Fire

The Holy War has been being played since the 1895-1896 season when BYU was known as Brigham Young Academy. All time they are 33-52 against Utah, but are winners of the last two. The Cougars are salivating about facing off
against Utah and stepping on their neck on the way to an undefeated season and the BCS. On their behalf let me say the following: fuck you Utah on November 22nd we are going to cram your gimmicky spread offense straight up your assholes. In fact, Jim McMahon just might come back and do it himself.

The Chinese are using 10-year-olds, heavy set men with comical mustaches are coaching, and if you make one small misstep on the balance beam, NBC's Andrea Joyce will swallow your soul. Yes, it's a jungle out there for female gymnasts. Let's see what the ladies have to say about the sport in general, and the U.S. getting silver in team competition in particular. It all happens following the jump. By the way, if you'd like to be part of the Waxing Off experience, email myself at Rick@Deadspin.com, or Mr. Daulerio at AJD@Deadspin.com.

Claire Zulkey:

Last weekend I rang up a friend who happened to be watching Olympic women’s gymnastics when I called. “Ooh,” she said. “Someone just fell down. God, I feel so bad for them.”

“Are you kidding?” I said. “That’s the best part!”

Apparently this is not an opinion shared by all, as I was promptly upbraided for being so callous. “They work their entire lives for this moment,” my friend said. I tried to backtrack, saying that in the long run they have many other competitions in which to redeem themselves, but she wasn’t buying it.

But come on. First of all, the spills are always more entertaining than the thrills and chills of any sport—the massive pile-ons in football, the crashes in skiing, and the collisions at the plate in baseball. And secondly, between gymnastics and its winter equivalent, women’s figure skating, who doesn’t secretly want to see these girls fall on their ass? These tiny hardbodied specimens always seems so high-strung and perfect that it makes us, the undisciplined towering 5-4 slobs at home who couldn’t do a handstand if you paid us, feel a little more like we’re watching humans and not little robots in spandex when they slip up.

Soon after we had this conversation I did catch women’s gymnastics and felt awful for the US team, which suffered setback after setback after one of the girls fell on her tush during her floor routine. The look on her face was heartbreaking—she knew that she had let her entire team down. But honestly, somebody’s got to fall down and lose points in this sport and if it’s the US occasionally, so be it. I may be a heartless asshole, but I’ve got to be diplomatic about it.

Claire Zulkey is a TV critic for the LA Times.com and Onion AV Club. She runs the blog Zulkey.com and next year will be publishing her first young adult novel with Dutton.

—-—-—-

Metschick:

So, you're telling me that these Chinese girls are lying about their ages, saying they're older than their real ages? Huh. My Dominican mind can't wrap itself around that.

Even though I never participated in gymnastics as a child, I can appreciate the dedication and training required to excel in such a sport and become an Olympian. I know I could ever do it: the endless hours of practice and training and the countless sacrifices you have to make. These girls don't have much time for Hannah Montana, slumber parties or Libby Lu. However, their hard work isn't all for naught: sure, they'll never be splashed all over OK! magazine but, other than famewhores, who cares? They can take pride in their work, and besides regular competitions, every four years there's the Olympics.

I think athletics are important in the life of young children, but where does the child's passion for, say, gymnastics end and the parents' fervent need to make a meal ticket out of her begin? I would love for Baby Mets to shine in gymnastics, swimming, or softball, mostly for the scholarship that would surely come with such athletic superiority. And I like to think that I'm a reasonable parent, but I can see how someone can slip into Dina Lohan-territory. Perhaps that's what the age limits are there to prevent; the exploitation of a child. But there's one thing that bothers me about the age limit and it's that these 16-year-old Olympians didn't just start tumbling or working on the uneven bars the year before. They've been doing this for years. So why is it OK for a 14-year-old to participate in American Gymnastics Association tournaments, but not in the Olympics?

After thinking about this for the last two days, I'm going to have to say that I think the age limit of 16 for gymnastics should be lowered. This is a sport where, by the time the next Olympics come around, you may be too old to participate. If you're good enough as a 14-year-old to make the team, let her participate.

Metschick has never even tried tumbling, as walking straight is sometimes a chore. Come see her on the vaults, virtually anyway, on Ladies ... every Thursday.

—-—-—-

Clare:

You've probably noticed that the American gymnasts look different than their Chinese counterparts (and if so, Chris Hansen will be arriving at your door in about 30 seconds). They're lithe and muscular, with strong legs and powerful shoulders. They don't have the wispy frames of the Chinese girls, or the lanky arms and legs of the Russians. But what all these girls from around the world share is a baseline of physical fitness that they will carry with them through their lives.

Much like a competitive gymnast, my athletic career ended at 18 too. But mine didn't end with catastrophic injury or the onset of menses. No, mine ended when I went to college, and discovered beer and O fries and sleeping until noon.

I was a round, brainy, solitary, unathletic child, and I don't come from sporty people. I don't have any siblings, both of my parents worked and I grew up on a busy street with few children my age nearby, so I rarely rode my bike or shot hoops in the driveway. So, like a tiny adult, I grew to enjoy reading Time-Life home improvement books, watching cooking shows, and when I played, I chose things like Legos and Oregon Trail. I died of dysentery many more times than I ever played wiffleball with my neighbors.

My proclivity toward, y'know, things that could be done while sitting down followed me through my teenage years — aside from a brief career as a field hockey goalie (I could stand in one place, but instead of cat-like reflexes mine were more like that of a slightly retarded koala) and a surprisingly lengthy rowing career (four on a summer club team, four on my high school team) I stayed on the sidelines. I managed and did stats for my high school's soccer and swim teams, which even got me out of gym class.

Obviously, this did not serve me well, as I went on all of two dates in college.

Perhaps it's because I don't want to die alone, a fat, crazy cat lady, perhaps it's all the magnificent physical specimens on display in Beijing, but now, at 27, I'm taking steps to change that. I have a tendency to wake up before my alarm clock, so instead of tossing and turning for two hours, I lace up my sneakers and take a walk around my neighborhood. I joined a kickball team this year (have I mentioned that?). The psychological impact of realizing "I just legged out that bunt" is powerfully uplifting, almost scarily so. Of course, I am sucking wind once I get to first, but hey, I did it. So addictive is that feeling of accomplishment I just registered for the fall league and have roped a few of my girlfriends into playing as well. (Let's ignore the fact that we drink before, during, and after the games.)

It's tragic that at 16 or 18 or 20 (or in the case of the Chinese team, 12) these girls' careers are over. They sacrificed the joys of childhood to chase a dream that likely didn't come true. But in the long run, they will be fit enough to do cartwheels into their dotage. Can you really put an age limit on fitness?

Clare lives outside Philadelphia and is the proprietor of the sporadically-updated Phillies blog Plunk Chutley. She is also a contributor to The 700 Level and Playing the Field.

—-—-—-

Melissa (Texas Gal):

We're America: winning is what we do. And when we lose, our red-white-and-blue defensive mechanism kicks in. Sometimes that involves beating the shit out of opposing fans. Or suing someone. But sometimes instead we channel our disappointment into bitching about the rules.

My instincts as a giant, unabashed U.S.A. homer are to scream bloody murder about "the babies" (in Bela Karolyi's words) while waving an American flag and the rule book around in the air. In fact, I'm pretty sure that is what Andrea Joyce does during the hours she's not trying to make gymnasts cry on camera.

But my common sense tells me that the only reason Marta Karolyi isn't using 14-year olds on the American team is because she doesn't think she'd get away with it. The Chinese with their faked birth documents are downright amateurs in the gymnastic Milli Vanilli game. Let me know when they get the balls to substitute an entirely different gymnast under another girl's name. Now that's commitment to winning at all costs.

I think the key for the Chinese next time is going to be to cover their tracks better. After all, the Mitchell Report taught us that although cheating is bad, getting caught is the real crime. Pay off a higher quality government official to completely erase the paper trail. Clamp down on the freedom of the press a little sooner to prevent the story leaking out. And most of all: make sure the gymnasts don't smile so much, so that gaping holes left by lost baby teeth won't show while the team is up on the medal stand.

Melissa (Texas Gal) resides in Boston, lives and dies with the Texas Longhorns, obsesses about the Red Sox and worships the Dallas Cowboys — thus making her potentially the most obnoxious sports fan in existence. She writes about the Sox at Center Field, contributes baseball thoughts to Babes Love Baseball and is part of the Playing The Field crew.

This whole interview process was like trying untangle the world's biggest ball of Christmas lights — especially writing the transcription. After five minutes of listening it's pretty obvious that it'll take years to straighten it out and it might be better just to plug 'em in and hope for the best. But I think it fits in that it does truly "humanize" Salisbury in a way — for better or worse — which has been part of Deadspin's m.o. since the first Kyle Orton drunk photos raced across the internet. Sean uses semantics when it comes to the "cellphone" rumor and that's the way it has to be. There are plenty of other stories floating around as to what exactly prompted his ESPN suspension in 2006 (wasn't his dick; wasn't an intern; he was ratted out, are the most talked about ones) but that is really kind of secondary to why he felt this interview needed to happen. I believe he truly wanted to attempt to clear his name from all of this (probably won't happen) but also wanted to step out from behind the two-way mirror and just let people know, ' I 'm a real, flawed person, but it really fucking sucks to be called a fetus-faced windbag.' That's a brave step for anyone to take. But I don't think he was trying to do it as a way to alter the way blog items are written about him or to change the way commentors destroy him. He'll take that stuff and not like it — but he'll learn from it too.

Anyway, on to the conclusion of this mess.

Is it fair to say that all of this stuff that has happened to you in the last two years – the death of your father, the job situation, the internet “rumors”...well, how did you work through something that emotionally?

SS: I’ve got no choice, A.J. I’m a Dad. I’ve got a 15-year-old son, a 14-year-old son, and a 12-year-old daughter. I’m single. And I’m a dad. And between my ex and I living close to each other and trying to manage things with kids and going to sporting events and a soccer mom…— believe me: the most exciting part of my life is when Adam Sandler lets me play in his movies every once in a while or watching my kids play sports. I don’t do much. But I’m telling you – my life the last two years, A.J. with my dad’s death, with an assistant of mine that I trusted my life with who stole six-figures from me, while my dad is dying so I didn’t know about it until after they were gone, to changing jobs after 12 years with a company that I loved that I had some of the best friends in the world at, it was a great company and an unbelievable sports business. I can’t remember from 2006 to a little after March of this year and …
No doubt the last two years have changed my life and have also changed the way I look at things, but they have also been the two most miserable years of my life. And I’ve lived a charmed life, man. They say it comes in threes, but mine came in about 8’s. A lot of my friends have been supportive and I’ll recover from this and with my new start at OPENsports which I think, and not just because I’m a part of it, I think it’ll be innovative, technologically – you’ve gone on some of it—we’lll have some quality, quality stuff on blogs and on video and I’ll be on every day doing it and expand on things and I’m just blessed to be a part of it and get paid to do something I love. And this is my first venture hard into the internet, which to be honest with you, the reason I haven’t taken a radio or TV job, yes, I’m waiting for the perfect one and a lot of them are taken, I’m really content right now doing this and I think it’s going to be a fun season, I’m giving inside information that people aren’t going to get because of the relationships that I have, just like your relationships, and hopefully we can make OPEN Sports the best in the business. I don’t like second or third place – I’ve done that enough when I was a quarterback. With my background and the people in OPEN Sports if people want the best information they’re going to get that—hard-hitting sports information and it’s going to allow the people to be involved which I like. I need another John Clayton with me, buddy and I think we’re going to blow this thing up.

And to mention, I’d like to put this out there: A.J., the most asked question I’ve had in my life or the last 12 years is “Do you like John Clayton?” And you know what, since 1986 when I was a rookie and John was a beat writer covering the Seahawks, John Clayton has been one of the closest to me. I’ve known him longer than anyone at ESPN. And all of that stuff we did was not scripted. Most of the time our 4-down segment was…we’d give ‘em our answers they’d ask us 20 questions during the day, they’d surprise us when we were going to go on. We loved each other walking to work, we’d go on there and try to beat each other’s brains out just like you would with your friends in a one-on-one pick up game. Never once were John and I offended by each other. That’s business. And we had a blast doing it. And I can guarantee you 4-downs – and I mean this with as much love for John Clayton—it’ll never be the same. Just like the old SportsCenters. You can never do what Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann did. This might be a pat on the back for John and I but I’m going to say it anyway: 4-Downs will never be the same. Period. Just like at PTI if Tony and Mike retire? You ain’t getting another PTI like Tony and Mike ran it. So, I was fortunate to be a part of that. I love John Clayton. People need to know that. Those arguments and stuff weren’t fake, but off the air…one of the first two people that called me when I left ESPN was John Clayton. So, I miss those guys and I’m fortunate that I learned a lot and to get the degree I got from ESPN was pretty damn good, but now I’m moving on to the doctorate because I’m not real good with the internet.

Yeah, obviously.

…And OPENsports is going to open up a can of worms that people are going to love.

Well, not to get all squishy on you…but can you tell at this point in your career…just how reflective you are you being about all this stuff? Did you always have this in you? Or was this a formal process you had to go through to get to that softer side in order for you to contine?

Well, I’ve always had it, but you know what, A.J.? Those guys that are supposed to have an ego and macho and pride and all that – and God knows I have an ego just like the rest of us – anybody who’s an athlete, and hey I wasn’t a great athlete — or a journalist, or who goes on TV...hey we got egos. When we go on TV we want to look good and wear the right suit. So yeah, I’ve been reflective. I never felt the grass was greener. I may come across like that because I’ve got an explosive personality or because I’m opinionated. People will meet you and a lot of people will tell me that I can be a completely different guy off the air. I read two books a week. I sit in bed and read more than anything. If you walked into my house and in my bedroom I’ve got 100 books that I’ve read. And so I’m not as dumb as I look or as I sound. So, yeah, I’m probably a little bit more reflective because there have been things that have been snatched from me: PRIVACY. And things that I’ve snatched away from myself, moving on from a secure comfortable career and a great place at ESPN. I’ve gone out on a limb just to make a change, but I believe in it. And I believe in my skills. And I also believe in the people around me and the support group I’ve had. I’m more reflective now….or should I say…I’m a more calculated thinker. Because I’ve been damaged, and for a while there my reputation was damaged by some – not by all, the ones who know me or the ones who were close to the situation get it and know that wasn’t the case – and you know comebacks are always awesome. I’ve only been away from five or six months but I’m going to come back in full force and it’s going to be hopefully great stuff and I’m not going to give you guys anything to write negative about me except hopefully my opinion or something I said about the New York Jets.

Now that you’re fully aware of that atmosphere that exists online—whether it be us or somebody else – you’re putting yourself out there now, almost asking for scrutiny in one aspect, but you’re also saying , essentially, okay, “I’m not going to be out at a bar drinking right now.” Is that something you’re comfortable with? Or is that a complete lifestyle change?

I’m not afraid of criticism. I put myself out there. What athlete in college or professional sports – or who sacrifices vacations to put themselves in professional sports – doesn’t put something out there for criticism. Every time you line up behind center you’re putting yourself out there for criticism. Every time you put something on the air, or I put something on the air. You gotta be able to take the criticism. But you take the positive stuff but you also have to be able to be hit over the head with a sledgehammer. I don’t have a problem with that. We’re all sensitive. If everybody was saying something good about me? About my talent or what I did? I’m not doing my job. That means I’m sitting on the fence the whole time and people would turn the channel. The best people in this business, the Howie Longs, the Terry Bradshaws, the Troy Aikmans, they’re what we call “needle movers”, man. I’ve tried to pride myself on that. Dan Patrick was a needle mover. Tony and Mike Wilbon. Those guys are needle movers. I’m not trying to say bad about some guy’s personal life…hey, if a guy throws five interceptions, he sucked that day! It’s nothing personal. You suck that day. Some days we all suck. Heck, some of us more than others. I don’t have a problem with putting myself out there because this is what I do. If I was scared I’d have a bunch of dogs around me. And as far as socializing? I’m a single guy…I’m allowed to go out to a sushi place and if I’m sitting around with my buddies having sushi, I’m allowed to do that. It’s not like I’m going to hide out. I’m not going to do that! Let’s say you and I are hanging out on a Saturday night and we’re watching college football and LSU plays Georgia, Georgia at LSU, and we’re sitting in a college bar eating chicken wings and somebody wants to write something about it? LET ‘EM. I don’t care about that. I’m not going to be peeing off of some roof or doing those things. I’ll try to do the right thing like I always do and try not to do something dumb, which is what I think everyone of us when we leave the house tries to do or when I go on the air and try to say the right thing….on my separation…cause I work hard. I’m not afraid to put myself out there. My life revolves around putting myself out there. And if I’m going to criticize players I sure as hell better be able to take it if somebody wants to criticize me if they don’t like my broadcasting. Because you know what? At least I have the guts and the balls to go out and do it and will continue to do it. But it has changed my perspective, you’re head is always on a swivel, wondering which one of these 10,000 people is looking for a reason to bait you into a fight so they can punch you in the mouth so they can sue you.

For the record, I wasn’t planning on doing that…Do you think your ESPN career has hurt you in some way? They’re the biggest in the industry and making that transition onto something else is not always a smooth one. There are not that many Dan Patrick jobs out there….

There’s not a lot of those gigs out there. But you know what? There were not a lot of those out there when I got mine in the first place. I got two sideline games 12 years ago and I had to prove myself after playing football making a $1,000 or $1,500 a game. And I was not the superstar, Hall Of Fame quarterback or running back that walked off the field and into a studio and they gave him a job because you had to give him a job. I wasn’t that guy. I can tell you this, I had a lot of great help around me and a lot of unbelievable production people, but I put in my time. I served my time. Whether people want to believe it or not, I spent 12 years being as good as there was on TV doing what I do. And that’s being a football analyst. And I know what I am and what I am not. Howie, Terry…you know, I may not be in their class name-wise, but you want to talk about information, opinion, passion, I do it as well as anybody. My career at ESPN didn’t hurt me, some of the “rumors” did – or should I say “the rumor” the “alleged” cellphone thing. But as far as what I put on the air? I’ll put my stuff against anybody. Because you know what? I based my opinion on facts I received from coaches, players, and insights. You know what the problem is with 80% of the analysts out there? They’re afraid that the depth of their opinion will hurt somebody’s feelings. You know what? I’m not. I’ve had to criticize guys that I hang out with in the off-season. Hey, that’s just life. My career at ESPN did nothing but help. They gave me a forum – a foundation—now am I going to get back from it…are there many jobs out there at NBC or CBS? Nope. But I’ll get one of those. Because when network’s start to realize that Hall of Fame quarterbacks, or running backs, or wide receivers, they’ll always make the best broadcasters, God already knows there’s a whole bunch of them that weren’t any good and aren’t good, okay. But that being said, they always get ‘em. They always get the insight. But what people start to realize if a guy gets a job because of who “he was” he probably won’t keep that job because he won’t work hard enough to do it. The Howie Longs, the Terry Bradshaws, the Chris Collinsworths…there’s a reason why they keep ‘em….the Tommy Jacksons…but I tell you this I’ll put myself up against anybody. And I wasn’t a Hall of Fame quarterback, but I can promise you this, there’s no guy that’s coming out now that’s going to put better work on there than mine...

At any point during while this stuff was going down [the suspension, the rumors] did you feel like your job was in jeopardy? Did you see the writing on the wall or were you blindsided?

You know what, when I went in there the last time before I left, A.J., the day I shook hands with the two executives and left and we decided that they weren’t going to renew my contract and I was ready to move on. I actually thought I was going in at least a couple of days before that. I knew when I went in for that meeting that I thought I was going to leave, but the week before that I thought I was going to have a promotion. Oh, I knew there was a chance that they weren’t going to renew the contract. But Im’ not changing who I am on the air. Blindsided? No. If you would’ve told me that in February? No. I think we all wonder about when our contract comes up – am I going to get paid? Do they want me back? –I think there’s an insecurity that goes with it. I don’t know how to do much, but I know what I’m doing on TV, and radio, and on the internet in talking about football and this is what I do and will continue to do it’s just a matter of where I end up…with OPEN Sports which I’m going to be at for a long time…but if there’s any radio or TV outside of what I’m doing with them…No, I wouldn’t say I was blindsided. I there was a part of me that thought it could happen and when it did happen it was alarming because, man, 12 years? But I picked up and left and moved on an didn’t say anything negative and will continue not to. I couldn’t be somebody else giving my opinion on TV. If you want vanilla, you want the wrong guy. There are plenty of guys out there that aren’t going to tell you shit.

But the incident is a huge cross to bear, no? Any place you go, people are going to ask what happened at ESPN? They'll ask themselves "Is there going to be a problem? And "Why should we put you on the air again?"

They could ask! You know, people are out there raping and abusing and doing all that stuff, you know... I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING! If you do your due diligence and want the truth, I have it, man. That was 2006! I’m not a risk. If I did anything wrong …if something like that happened…why wouldn’t they fire me on the spot? I worked two more years. So, I worked for 12 years and my resume speaks for itself. Now, has there been some damaging rumors, some damaging info that’s been out there, some setbacks? Yes. Now, bullets have been flying for two years at me. And you know what? I never pointed the finger at another person and I take responsibility when I make a mistake. But I also know when I need to defend myself when I need to, especially when it’s a LIE. If somebody wants to go vanilla, and they want vanilla, and are there some people out there who won’t hire me because they think I’m too opinionated...sure. Hey, think about some of the people in sports and in broadcasting. You know, eventually things go away, and what I “allegedly” did is completely G-rated because it wasn’t there in the first place, but number 2….I’m not stupid enough to do something like that, but I know it’s going to be out there. You know what? Three years I’m going to continue to work on this…I’m no risk. I don’t do drugs. I don’t do anything. I don’t abuse kids. I don’t hit women. I raise money for charity and I’m a dad. So, I’m not worried about it. It’s damaged me a little bit right now, but during this process I’ve discovered a company that I love in Open Sports. I’m happier in my broadcast career than I’ve been in 10 years.

That’s what’s surprising too and this is just my and plenty of other people’s opinions…but you put a guy like Emmitt Smith on the air who seems …not ready. He’s not articulating as well as he possibly could..and on air just for the sole fact that he’s a Hall of Fame running back he gets his job. We’re supposed to take his word on things over somebody like you…who basically has been doing this for a longtime. Is there some notion at ESPN that people want to see people that they recogn…

Absolutely. Absolutely. That’s the reason I worked on NFL Live for 11 years and never did Countdown at 11. There’s no question. There’s no doubt. If you’re a Hall of Famer or a big-time player, you will get the first-look. They will move somebody out for a guy, just because he’s got a name. And I can tell you as a broadcast fan—forget me being on TV – just as a fan, you and I are sitting around, in about two broadcasts I can tell you whether a guy sucks or not. I worked with Emmitt at the Super Bowl and I love Emmitt. Is he a better running back than he is a broadcaster? Absolutely. That’s just like saying am I a better broadcaster than a quarterback? Not even close. Emmitt’s getting better. The thing is, they will always put that guy on before they put a guy on that’s been there that’s just the nature of the business, but I got news for you: eventually that’s going to have to come to a close because the guys that give you their best information and opinion are the ones the fans want to see. We’ll take a backseat for a while but eventually the cream rises and eventually you put the guys in there you’re supposed to. ESPN likes star power and that’s okay. But you know what? They can’t replace a guy like Tommy Jackson who in my opinion is the best they got there and has been great for a long time.

Is there anything else that you’d like get off your chest…?

No, man. I just thank you and appreciate it. Thank you for allowing me after two years, you’re the first people that I’ve told this to. All I want to do is put it behind me and focus on football and having fun and doing my job at OPEN Sports. I’m excited and I think if you get it out there the people will like it and you know what A.J.? We all go through some adversity. I blew out my knee twice as a football player and didn’t get drafted but fortunately I was able to fool ‘em 10 years and play. Now, you know what? Temporary setback. I’m just a normal guy, man. When people hang around me they’ll find out “Man, this is the guy that used to go out and watch football with 8 strangers off the street?" I’m not comfortable wit the fact that people actually think I’m a star. I’m not a star. Just a guy who talks football who I hope provides good information. I miss ESPN but I’m excited about the next venture more than I could ever imagine.And you know what? I don’t have any bitterness. ESPN’s not going away, but I’m not either.

So you’re not angry. Okay.

No, I’m not going away. Is there a part of me that’s been angry through the process? YEAH. You go through all of these thoughts. Do you feel sorry for yourself? You’re bitter...You have to convince yourself...You’re insecure...You’re confident....You’re humble....You’re…mad. You go through all of those. But you know what? I’m not angry anymore. People always say that when one window or door closes another one opens? I’ve discovered something in the last five months that I realize that it’s okay not to work 18 hours per day, 7 days a week. And this was a favor for me. It actually turned out to be a blessing. I’ve always been close to my kids but I’ve had the time of my life the last five months and it actually makes it very difficult to go back to work. But I have to because I have bills to pay and a family to feed but it’s been one hell of run, man, and I’m about to start the next phase and get it going and put the nonsense behind me and there are always going to be people out there that believe what they want to believe, but I’ll tell you this: this story is over and you guys will be the ones that get the message out there. I don’t need to explain myself anymore and dignify it. I got it to you and I’m going to leave it at that.

Well, alright…

Read Part I

Each weekday morning Awful Announcing, video slash and grab extraordinaire of the sports blogosphere, gives us a visual rundown of everything you missed from the night before. If there's something sports-related you'd like to see with your coffee, shoot him an e-mail and let him know.

"Mom and Dad are just behind me," J.D. warned softly when they parted again, "but we'll steal some time soon, I promise". Stephen nodded, turning his face into J.D.'s caressing hand and kissing the palm ...

"Now, you want a hand with all this," J.D. asked, gesturing at the piles of clothes, and Stephen grinned and nodded, bending to grab one heap. J.D. grabbed another heap, and they chatted about Stephen's classes as they headed to the laundry room. Despite knowing that their parents might only be a few minutes out, Stephen boosted himself onto the washer once he had started the first load, pulling J.D. close and kissing him again, wrapping his legs around the outfielder's waist.

That's just about the tamest passage I could find in this entry, "His Not-So-Little Brother." And Here are more entries, which may or may not involve Cardinals' bench coach Joe Pettini.

As opposed to classic slash fiction that began in the early 1970s with Star Trek characters, slash fiction involving real people, or Realslash, is relatively rare. How people decided to involve the Drew brothers is beyond me. But it's clear that, to the writer, this is all too real. For every graphic sex scene, there's a tender moment in which J.D. and Stephen are just holding hands, watching the sunset. What's going on in the writer's head?

Holy crap. Help me, Dee Mirich!

Drew Brothers Slash Fiction [Live Journal]

Like, look at these guys. (The site is called The Bleacher Report, and if you run a blog, you know them because they send you about 35 links a day.) They've actually gone ahead and predicted bowl matchups? And why not, you know? It's just freaking guessing. Who cares?

Anyway, as an Illini fan, the most satisfying part of last year's surprise season is that now, everyone assumes at the beginning of the season that we're going to make a bowl. That's all I've asked of Ron Zook; get us to a damn bowl. If we can, we'd love to avoid the Motor City Bowl every December, but mostly, get those 6-7 wins and send us to a bowl. If you make a bowl, you are in the top half of college football teams, and because there's still no playoff system, making a bowl is the only real concrete way to judge whether your team was relevant. If we had a playoff, going 7-5 and barely stumbling into the Insight.com Bowl wouldn't mean anything. But now? Come on down, Indiana!

Sure, Illinois was hammered in the Rose Bowl — and seriously, brutally hammered — but whatever! It's sunny in Pasadena! Right now The Bleacher Report has the Illini in the Capital One Bowl against ... well, against Florida. Yeah. Listen, people: Zook is ours. I know Florida was rough on him. That was years ago. It's over. ZOOK IS OURS NOW. Got it?

Good.

Anyway, the Capital One Bowl would be fine; it's a New Years Day bowl, it's sunny outside and occasionally vikings and other pillagers will show up to enforce your credit company's hidden fees. Looking at the Illini schedule this year, I think No. 18's a bit high; it's easy to imagine five losses (Missouri, Penn State, Michigan — who Illinois CANNOT beat — Ohio State and Wisconsin), and that won't get you the Capital One Bowl. That'll get you ... well, the Motor City Bowl probably. That's OK. It can be sunny in a dome.

Two main questions for Illinois:

1. Can Daniel Dufrene take over for Rashard Mendenhall? No he cannot. He is too small.

2. Can Juice Williams throw this year? I am less than convinced. Everyone got a bit too excited by the Ohio State game; the man still has a long way to go.

So, yeah: 7-5 sounds about right. And Rose Bowl or not, I will take it. 7-5 and a bowl game every season is just fine; it's another excuse to hide from everyone for three hours over the holidays. Plus, 7-5 every means that Zook won't bolt for a better job; that level of sustained mediocrity will save us from the Bill Self fate. And I can't go through that again.

He admits in the interview that the last two years have been the "most miserable" ones of his life: the death of his father, the suspension at ESPN, not having his contract renewed at ESPN last March, and, of course, those stories ("rumors...lies!")about him on the internet a lot of which had originated or were trumpeted by Deadspin. (There's a reason why Sean Salisbury was a Deadspin Hall of Fame nominee last year — not for good reasons, either.)

Due to its length it will be broken up into two parts. The second one will run tomorrow. It is edited for clarity and brevity, but not as much as either one of us or you, frankly, would like. But it doesn't feel right to present it any other way.

Part one, after the jump.

So….how are you?

SS: I’m…great. Probably since about last March, I’ve not worked much but it’s been a changing part of my life, A.J. When I left ESPN and I decided – and they decided – we’re both going different directions…you know, when you leave something like that there’s going to be an empty place because for 12 years I was with a company and I loved the people I worked with and worked for. They gave me a platform . For a guy that was an average quarterback, to be a broadcaster for 12 years…whenever you do something for 12 years whether it’s marriage, or job, or family you’re drawn to it. So those people treated me great and I have no qualms about leaving it, at the time I needed to do some other things. But these last five months for me have probably been as peaceful as I have had in a long time. And this is the longest I’ve been without work for a while so it was time to go back and get a job. And fortunately with OPENSports, I’ve got the beginning of something special and this is something I’ve been looking forward to for a long time.

Good. Was there a part of you that did want to leave ESPN? Was it time to go?

[T]here’s a part of me that wanted to stay at ESPN. And yes there was a part of me that wanted to go. And ESPN has been so good and so dominant and they’re all-encompassing: When you’re with ESPN, you’re an ESPN guy. I get it. The ESPN brand is as big as any brand on the planet right now, especially the sports planet. So, yeah there was a part of me that wanted to stay there. But I also know that after 12 years, financially, if you’ve worked as many hours as I have as a broadcaster — and what I’d like to think according to them was a productive 12 years — you want to get paid like it. But that’s not the main reason…it was time for me to head out. You know, I got my undergraduate degree at ESPN and I need an MBA and a doctorate and that’s what I’m working toward. They were awesome to me. And they wanted to go in a different direction and it wasn’t just me it was my contract was up, they honored the contract, and they decided to go in a different direction and so was I and so did they. And I’m okay with that, they’ve got good people there…It hurts to leave something that you’ve been doing for a long time but I also know in order for me to branch out and challenge myself I need a new challenge and so did they. No hard feelings. There’s part of me that wakes up every morning and says “Huh. It’d be nice to be there.” But I’ve never found myself more excited in the past 8-10 years to be doing something new and I think here at OPENsports with the innovation that we have we’re going to make it the best in the business. I’m just a mouthpiece for it. The people behind the scenes make it go and I’ll just talk opinionated football and give them good stuff and hope that in return that validates why we’re on the air.

There was all of this rumor and speculation about why you left ESPN. One of the main things was that you (supposedly) took a picture of your genitals on your cellphone and showed it around to interns. I’m sure you’ve heard those rumors before. Anything about them remotely true?

I’ve heard ‘em. I’ve lived ‘em for two years. There’s a lot of bald-face