We decided to dig deep into this story, rather than just let it simmer, so we asked our friend The Assimilated Negro, author of the Ghetto Pass column for Gawker and occasional Free Darko correspondent, to file a series of reports about the Negro Bowl, its significance and whatever else might tickle his proverbial fancy. This is the final installment. The graphic is by the great Jim Cooke, by the way.

Thanks Will.

Well, as we tie the noose around our coverage of Negro Bowl I, we have to say it's been an interesting ride. We've had ups and downs, we've laughed and cried, and through it all we've enjoyed the sound of freedom ringing.

We've also learned some things:
1. African-American are just Americans in Europe.
2. Negro Bowl might be more important than Oprah ("forget about Oprah, man!")
3. Negro Bowl is not nearly as important as hanging Bill Simmons upside down and putting a fork in his ass.

(More after the jump)

Of course, regardless of personal tastes, history is history, and nowhere has the gravity of this moment been more apparent than over at ESPN, where the reverent kissing of melanin ass has proceeded unabated all week (and it feels so good!).

In the latest pucker they gather up some of the black head coaches in the league for a chat, and everyone does a good job of sounding nice and articulate, .... well except for Marvin Lewis, who, we couldn't help but notice, might be delusional. To demonstrate we pull three of his responses:

Lewis: "Growing up, when you saw Art Shell as a player and getting into coaching, you knew he stood for discipline, hard work and toughness."

Delusion #1: Art Shell + The Raiders = Discipline

Lewis: "Now, to see two coaches, it gives a ray of light for young African-American males, females, that whatever you want to achieve in life, if you work hard enough at it and you do the right things, you have an opportunity.

Delusion #2:African-American females have a shot at coaching an NFL team to the Super Bowl, you know, if they work hard at it and do the right things. (?!!?)

But the money quote was less a delusion and more a subtextual leaking of The Truth:

Lewis: "Really, for the first time, an African-American was hired who maybe hadn't spent the time and did everything. We have watched it happen with other coaches, but Mike's hire was a first."

We actually didn't quite understand what he meant at first, so we hired a translator. Here's what they told us:

Lewis: "For the first time we got a job without paying all those dues. I had to win a Super Bowl, and coach the greatest defensive performance of all time to even get on the radar, while cornballs like Dave McGinnis, Dave Campo, Marty Mornhinweg and Mike Sherman were snatching up jobs. Now it's our turn to cruise in interviews off one good season or two. Holla!

So with that in mind I've printed out my dominant lifetime record in Madden, taking care to highlight when I took the Texans to a Super Bowl victory in year 2018 of my franchise. I should at least be able to get an interview with Matt Millen.

In the same interview, while it was apparent Herm Edwards didn't see our video, we were struck by his willingness to compare sports and politics:

"

It is not perhaps on the level of the White House or the first black secretary of state or the first black head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, [but] it is one more river that we really needed to cross."

Personally, I don't think anyone in the White House, whether black, Puerto Rican or Asian, could afford the amount of lip balm necessary to properly kiss Tony Dungy's rings; but then again, I voted for Nader, so I'm an idiot. Nevertheless, the sports and politics analogy is apt as the dominant headlines for the past month — Hillary vs. Obama and Tony vs. Lovie — seem to illustrate that sports and politics are evolving at the same pace. Either one can be dismissed as having more entertainment value than actual substance, but both are also proving to be cultural barometers measuring the winds of change and opportunity. In the end all any politician, coach, player wants is an opportunity to shoulder the load. Win, lose or draw.

But while The American Dream may be premised on opportunity, the cold capitalist reality that slaps all of us awake says, "Shut up and smell the Matt Millen. There's only winning or being forgotten. Victory or death-by-comments." So in ascertaining our rooting interests for the two races that matter, we defer to seniority and experience; both Barack and Lovie strike us as more apprentice than master, and so we predict: Dungy prevails in Negro Bowl I, giving the first Negro championship to the light-skin team (as expected). And Hillary takes the Democratic trophy over Obama, in a triumph of gender over race.

Of course with great moments like these there are no real losers. Well, except for Bill Simmons.

bennydis (2/1/2007 at 2:35 PM) Report Ignore
Seriously? How bad does Simmons want to be black?

We look forward to covering Bill during Negro Bowl II.

As you might have heard from a media outlet or two, this is a historic Super Bowl because it features two African American head coaches for the first time. The odds are good that this might be a topic over the next few days.

We decided to dig deep into this story, rather than just let it simmer, so we asked our friend The Assimilated Negro, author of the Ghetto Pass column for Gawker and occasional Free Darko correspondent, to file a series of reports about the Negro Bowl, its significance and whatever else might tickle his proverbial fancy. This will run in five installments leading up to the Super Bowl. Here's the fourth one... and it's video! So much easier than reading!

Some have had questions about the import and magnitude of Negro Bowl I, so while investigating yesterday's breaking news story (turns out it was fake), TAN had the opportunity to hit the streets of New York City and talk to people in order to gain some perspective on this historic event. Here's my video report.

(Video shot and directed by the great Richard Blakeley ... and TAN, of course.)

We decided to dig deep into this story, rather than just let it simmer, so we asked our friend The Assimilated Negro, author of the Ghetto Pass column for Gawker and occasional Free Darko correspondent, to file a series of reports about the Negro Bowl, its significance and whatever else might tickle his proverbial fancy. This will run in five installments leading up to the Super Bowl. Here's the third one. The graphic is by the great Jim Cooke, by the way.

CHICAGO — Only days before the historic Negro Bowl I, it appears NFL "officials" have removed Lovie Smith, the head coach, and Rex Grossman, the quarterback, from their respective positions on the Chicago Bears and replaced them with the recently retired Bill Parcells and recently mortified Tony Romo. While these "officials" have thus far remained anonymous, their apparent "hire-fire" power indicates they are likely Caucasian, hire-fire authority being something that is rarely given to Negroes.

(more after the jump)

The Bears general manager Jerry Angelo was unavailable to the press, but one anonymous official said he could be called "The Manager" and later added, "the 'ager' part is silent."

In explaining the decision to the media, the official, who only manifested as a booming voice over the PA system, expressed some remorse about the decision. "This was obviously a difficult decision at this time of year, a few days before the biggest game, but that's exactly why the decision had to be made," he said. "The Bears want to put their best foot forward, and with most oddsmakers having us as touchdown underdogs, clearly the general consensus was that we weren't going to get it done. We couldn't just sit back idly and let that happen, especially if we're in a position to do something about it."

The voice continued on, stressing that "race had nothing to do with anything." The voice explained, "We would have loved to been part of Negro Bowl I, but we can't put that in front of our ultimate goal of winning Super Bowl XLI. Bill Parcells is a Hall of Fame coach, and he's available. He's won the Super Bowl before. He hasn't had a 5-10 record since 1993; Lovie Smith, on the other hand, put up a five-win stinker just two years ago. Sometimes the choice that breaks your heart also makes the most sense."

Many players declined to speak, saying they didn't want to let "Media Week rigmarole" distract them from the task at hand. But some high profile names offered some remarks on the record.

The Bears starting running back Thomas Jones noted,"look, I think it's a questionable decision. But all I know is if you give me [looks over towards Cedric Benson] 20-25 carries a game, we can control this game."

Cedric Benson, who often shares carries with Jones, responded similarly. "That's bad how they did Lovie like that, but we have to stay focused. It's the Bears vs. The Colts. And all I know if you can get me [looks over at Thomas Jones] 20-25 carries a game, we can control the game on the ground.

Brian Urlacher, the sensitive star middle linebacker, seemed to be most affected by the news. "Look, I'm tired of the 'overrated' talk. I'm a good LB, OK? Obviously anyone's going to miss Tommie Harris. And sure teams are running on us, but I'm good, OK? And I'm fast! JESUS, JUST GET OFF MY BACK ALREADY!"

The object of all this attention, Lovie Smith, was in church with his family and could not be reached for comment.

Tony Dungy, a good friend of Smith's, was surprisingly muted. "It's a shame, obviously Lovie's a great friend." He also may have muttered, "but at least they brought in a Romo, not a Homo," but the exact quote was indecipherable.

Nevertheless, the quip was indicative of the contrasting responses over the move. A lot of bittersweet remorse over losing Smith, but the reaction to losing Grossman was much more tepid, and in some places perhaps, appreciative.

The disembodied voice that held the press conference closed in saying, "While removing Lovie was tough, after all, no one likes being a racist. The quarterback was kind of a no-brainer, and really empowered us to go ahead with a difficult decision. Tony Romo is a Pro Bowl quarterback, and has possibly canoodled with Jessica Simpson. Rex Grossman is, well, white. The Bears have a good holder on field goal attempts, so we think Tony will do great. In fact we'd like to think that while the black community at large may feel a little disenfranchised by our intervention, we are delighted to point out that while they lost an African-American head coach, they have gained a kinda-sorta black quarterback. Between him and African-American hero Peyton Manning, we think the Negro community is well represented and has a lot to be proud of."

Peyton Manning, who was caught between film sessions when hearing about the announcement, just smiled. "Hey, works for me, I got enough monkeys on my back."

The cast-off quarterback Rex Grossman was spotted in the parking lot, seemingly talking trash to a group of school children. When asked if his pride was hurt, he was defiant, "This is not a big deal to me. I know I have a Super Bowl arm." Grossman then picked up a nearby football and pointed to a garbage can about sixty yards away, "See that garbage can? Watch this." After Grossman's toss hit a woman walking her dog, more than 80 yards to the left of the garbage can, the children disassembled. Grossman had no further comment.

There were some fans and celebrities gathered around Soldier Field not long after the news. Superuberstar and Chicago native Kanye West was very vocal about his displeasure with the move. "The NFL commissioner doesn't care about black people. That's why I should have been the commissioner," West said. "I played pee-wee football as a kid. I was pretty good. And last year I gave Paul Tagliabue two million dollars and a Ralph Lauren cardigan so that I could take over for him. And I still didn't get the job. That's bullshit. And that's why shit like this happens. Because I'm not in charge."

West's new song "Dungy Walks (Smooth Jazz Remix)" is slated for release the day after the Super Bowl.

Opinions were varied amongst the other fans who congregated One fan, who also happens to be a marketer for network television said, "I can't lie. I love it. Negro Bowl I was exciting. But this is even better. Dungy vs. Parcells sets up an epic battle of the races. Race Bowl I: Bring Out the Chains. I can't wait to get the new commercials up."

Another fan, white, said, "Well, this Super Bowl was starting to feel a little affirmative action-y anyways. Setting it up so that a black person can't help but win seems a little unfair to white people."

The prevailing sentiment was one of suspicion however; the last person we spoke to summed it up simply, "I don't know, this smells fishy. Actually, not quite fish, it smells more like onion."

We decided to dig deep into this story, rather than just let it simmer, so we asked our friend The Assimilated Negro, author of the Ghetto Pass column for Gawker and occasional Free Darko correspondent, to file a series of reports about the Negro Bowl, its significance and whatever else might tickle his proverbial fancy. This will run in four installments leading up to the Super Bowl. Here's the second one. The graphic is by the great Jim Cooke, by the way.

Negro Bowl I is upon us, black NFL coach. Do you feel the warm glow of opportunity rising up on the horizon? The streak of 40 consecutive Super Bowls won by a Caucasian coach (tied for the longest streak of any kind in Super Bowl history) is about to be history. And the NFL is nothing if not a copycat league, so I hope you're ready for black being the new white. Melanin's about to be hotter than defensive line rotations and ending anything you say with "[blanks] are who we thought they were!"

So with you in mind, I've composed a five-point manifesto for success in the NFL. There's more than 20 teams out there waiting to sign "the first African-American coach in team history" so let's hit the field and get you ready for victory.

(After the jump, of course.)

Defense Wins Championships

Yeah, I know you know defense wins championships, but you better study it again black man. You can't even get a job in this league unless you're bringing crazy acknickulous D at all times. You should be studying the Cover 2 so hard that when the mailman comes to drop letters in your box, there's a 245-pound linebacker knocking him on his ass before envelope meets aluminum (your mailbox is aluminum right?). "THAT"S INCOMPLETE MAILMAN, TIME TO PUNT!!!" Your house should be a redzone and the milkman should be terrified of dropping off his bottles anywhere near it. If you don't have a milkman, GET ONE, and then SACK HIS ASS! Hire Terry Tate as your personal assistant.

You have a serious legacy to live up to here; Dungy, Lovie, Lewis, Crennel, Rhodes ... they all engineered some of the finest defenses of our generation just to get in the position. So if you want to win, forget offense, get the eye of the tiger, prepare yourself. If you have children, they should be hungry, showing their teeth, barking and crawling on all fours as they stunt their way into the kitchen to blindside your wife or mistress. Then do a "Lights Out" dance on the meatloaf. You were having meatloaf right? DEFENSE BABY!!!

Weight Watchers

It used to be that large distended athletic-training-bag-of-a-belly was emblematic of your commitment to the profession. Obviously you built that gut up while eating Cheetos and milkshakes during "marathon" film sessions. And when you drafted linemen and linebackers, you drafted them large enough so that a group of them could support your weight during a victory celebration.

But those days are gone. The successful black coach is sleek and sexy. No one is going to be shocked when we see Tony, Lovie and maybe Herm (despite the mediocre record) doing Hanes commercials in their tighty-whiteys (also the name for uptight Caucasian GM's who can't give a black man a job). Athletes want to respect you. They don't want to see five whoppers fall out of your shirt when you bend down to show them A-gap technique ... ROMEO.

Your job is no excuse for a lack of respect for your body. It undermines your message at some level ... ART. "Do as I do" is always more effective than "do as I say, while I do these two extra value meals." So eat up at your own peril, but you will need weekly wins to justify the weekly pizza party.

Smooth Jazz Is The New Rock-And-Roll

Do you remember Ray Rhodes? The last black coach of the B.D. (Before Dungy) era, a man who won Coach of the Year in his first season with the Eagles. One of the great defensive coordinators of our generation, here's what the wikipedia says on him: "Rhodes gained notoriety for his no-nonsense approach and unusual ways of motivating his players. One such tactic was an analogy that compared losing a home game to burglars breaking into a man's house and raping his wife."

Ray Rhodes is what we like to call "old school." Unfortunately for Ray, it seems these stuck up athletes are so empowered these days, it's long past the time when you could rape a player's wife and tell him to suck it up and go make some plays if he doesn't want it to happen again. Nowadays it's all about the intellectual smooth jazz, not the in-your-face emotion of rock-and-roll. Dennis Green is a casualty who learned this the hard way this year. Heed the lesson black NFL coach. Your boss is who you thought he was. He will fire your ass.

Got Faith?

You can definitely be inspired to ponder the consequences of godlessness and moral relativism when you see an offensive line coach-turned-bookie like Mike Tice getting head coaching jobs. And when he gets them over highly credentialed Negroes like yourself, you have to wonder about a double standard for character. That's probably why we haven't gotten the real gully African-American head coach yet. If Mike Tice was black, he might have been gunned down, with 50 shots to his head, chest, and playbook, while counting his cash in the back of the locker room.

If you want to be successful in this league aspiring black NFL head coach, find God. Find Him now. If you can't find Him, at the very least find some good Christian PR people to schedule your "all praise goes to God" soundbytes for you. The only person who sermonizes more than a Baptist preacher is a head coach trying to get in the playoffs, so get used to it.

Take Lemons, Make Lombardi Trophy & Gatorade Container Full Of Lemonade

They call Marvin Lewis "Black Jesus" because he drew the wine of mediocrity from the hapless Bungles. They call Tony Dungy "Jesus" because he's actually Jesus and was appropriately fired after resurrecting Tampa Bay. Do you remember how irrelevant the Bears used to be? Craig Krenzel anyone? Paging Mr. McNown please. And to think both those guys might be better than Rex Grossman, HA!

This is not a game, black man; this is Mission Impossible. If you want to be a legend, you not only need to accept your mission before this message self-destructs, you need to seek it out. I'd advise you to go to Detroit and take on the impossible shitstorm that is the Lions. That's a formidable challenge worthy of an aspiring black NFL head coach. Smear Matt Millen's feces all over your face; better yet, smear Matt Millen all over your face. Now don't wipe it off, but through sheer force of will, and rigorousness of your training camp, I want you to transform that poop on your face into a rejuvenating Oil of Olay moisturizer. This is the caliber of transformation we look for from our successful black NFL coaches.

So that's it aspiring black NFL head coach. These Caucasians are who we thought they were!!! Don't let them off the hook. People may want to crown their ass, but don't accept that. You play to win the game! But don't forget to thank your family, and God. Now go wipe that Matt Millen off your face and go get 'em.

We decided to dig deep into this story, rather than just let it simmer at surface level, so we asked our friend The Assimilated Negro, author of the Ghetto Pass column for Gawker and occasional Free Darko correspondent, to file a series of reports about the Negro Bowl, its significance and whatever else might tickle his proverbial fancy. This will run in four installments leading up to the Super Bowl. And here's the first one. The graphic is by the great Jim Cooke, by the way.

Thanks Will. I feel very privileged that you could send keep me here in NYC, far away from Miami's distracting hustle and bustle, to provide ongoing coverage of Negro Bowl I. Surely the hot days and hotter nightlife would have led me astray, and as NY enters the coldest point of the year, I look forward to the focus only the most frigid of temperatures can induce. This will keep me honed in on the stories of most importance as we head into the big game, because we all know this game is not about horses and bears. Or Peyton Manning cementing his legacy against a defense that was vastly overrated even before their best player was lost for the season. Nor is it about watching T-Rex (T stands for Terrible, of course) gross us out with his Philistine approach to the art of quarterbacking.

No, this game is about NEGROES. Of course the NFL playing field always runneth over with black people, but for once we're also running the show. This is what the urban marketing folks call "Cultural Synergro." Who'dathunkit? Quick Pop Quiz for you: Excluding the QB's, name two white position players on either team. Three... Two... One.... No, Marvin Harrison doesn't count. See, I told you: It's Negro Bowl I baby!

(More after the jump)

I remember the events of Sunday evening like they happened four days ago. When the Colts intercepted King Brady the tears streamed down my face. I held my right fist in the air, proud, defiant, held high and closed tight. My girlfriend asked if this meant the Mets had won; I ignored her. My eyes sneaked a peek at the Obama poster hanging over the television in the living room, a poster that promises more historical victories on the horizon, then the moment was almost ruined by me catching a glimpse of Sienna Miller on the cover of Esquire and needing to reread the interview about how she's single and looking for a black blogger to mingle with.

Luckily I turned back to the television; Manning was being interviewed, and the storm clouds in my brain thundered out a revelation: "This landmark moment in African-American history was brought to us by quite possibly the whitest QB ever. Now on the Mount Rushmore of Melanin there's Martin, Malcolm, Wesley Autrey, and Peyton Manning." And it wasn't long ago we were all thinking Michael Vick might be our savior.

The hype around two African-American head coaches going to the Super Bowl has been impressive and appropriately reverent. I bet the first two white guys who coached in plain-jane Super Bowl I (no Caucasian research-links during Negro Bowl) are wishing their people endured three hundred years of ostensible and institutionalized oppression so they could bask in this multicultural media afterglow. Now this is what racism is supposed to be about! Good people of good character doing good things; plus they're black!

Both coaches are well-deserving of the accolades, Lovie Smith, a Jesus/Dungy disciple, has turned the Bears around the way the great ones do it, with a firm hand that leaves indelible fingerprints of success on your fine ass franchise. Or something like that. This Negro Bowl appearance demonstrates the Bears are Lovie's team, more than Urlacher, Tommy Harris or, um, Brian Griese.

As for Tony Dungy, only some literary hybrid of Langston Hughes and Mario Puzo could do justice to The Spiritual Godfather of this black head coaching ring. Possibly the most beloved individual in the league, Dungy could kill your children, sleep with your significant other and send your grandparents to die in Iraq and you'd still well up and kiss him on both cheeks, while he's in your bed eating crackers. Later, while brushing crumbs off the sheets, you'd scold your better half, "You slept with Tony Dungy?!!? (beat) Well, I wasn't even positive he was a sexual being like that, how was it? Did he run the Cover 2? Did his clock management leave a little to be desired? Regardless, that Tony Dungy is a great man; if he decides to have you again you better treat him right, girl."

I'm sure there are some enlightened, color-blind individuals out there who say the race angle here is irrelevant; race is likely a construct they deconstructed long time ago. They may believe that any hubbub related to this story only shows our lack of progress; they'd consider it news if it were two Asian head coaches in the Super Bowl (Go Norm Chow!). Or better yet a Puerto Rican (Go Ron Rivera!) and a Native American (Go Joe Gibbs!); then maybe you could color them silver and black impressed. To those people I say, "Hi, and welcome to Negro Bowl I!"

Color-blind or not, this is an opportunity to embrace a race moment. It's a reconditioning of our muscle reflexes. It's an opportunity to celebrate the fourth horseman of the Negrocalypse, Peyton Manning, our ironically postmodern African-American Trojan Horse carrying us past the gates of the so called "patriots" who would deny our place in history. This day belongs to everyone, but especially us.

So I'm embracing the racism. The tears are streaming. The fist is held high. I'm black and I'm proud. And goddammit, so is Peyton Manning. He and I both know that on February 4 there will be a great day of football where two teams play and nobody loses.

TAN's coverage of Negro Bowl I continues next week.